Dating too nice guy
Follow 10 Follow 11 Original post by Steljoy The guy being nice and caring is cringey for you? Follow 12 Lemons Follow 5 followers 13 badges Send a private message to Lemons Follow 13 Thank your lucky stars! I'd rather pick a genuinely real nice guy over a bad boy all the time. I think maybe subconsciously, you really don't expect anyone to treat you the way you actually deserve to be treated.
Hence your adverse reaction towards him. Follow 14 I want a man who treats me right Also girls: Follow 15 Original post by AppleB Girls: Follow 16 Rooster Follow 2 followers 10 badges Send a private message to Rooster Follow 17 It sounds like you have a problem not him. He is being himself and open. Follow 18 Follow 19 That is so true. Follow 78 followers 18 badges Send a private message to. Follow 20 This forum is supported by: Leave or Remain - what would you vote right now? Is it a quilt or a duvet?
Re-applying to Cambridge after rejection. Teacher didn't give me exam materials?! If it makes any difference I moved to NYC about six months ago and haven't had much enthusiasm about dating since that move. But I know that I really want to meet someone, settle down and have a normal relationship.
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If you aren't wild about him, don't date him. It doesn't matter why you aren't wild about him, or that on paper he's a great guy, or that you are worried about sabotaging yourself. It's OK to just not feel the chemistry. He can be nice and cute and everything else but not be right for you. It sounds a bit like you feel you should be attracted to him, so you are going out of your your way to find reasons not to be attracted to him.
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Either way, it sounds like your straining, so just tell hm you don't feel like it will go anywhere and let both of you get on with both your lives. Usually in this situation I would say to stick it out -- it seems like you've been in super passionate relationships that were ultimately unhealthy, whereas this is your chance to explore something more like a relationship of equals, on a more even keel.
Not being "gaga" all the time can actually be a good thing, I think you will find. That said, I just don't think you like this person even enough to continue to try. The idea that you have to "stomach" someone you're ostensibly dating because you like them is not nice. How would you feel if your date were posting this online about you?
Cut this guy loose. As you said, he has lots of nice qualities and he can probably use them to attract someone who doesn't merely tolerate him. And I'm sure that you are lovely too, and before long will meet someone else and give it another try. You have no chemistry with him.
Even less than that, possibly, given scoffing at somebody immersed in grad school for saying "hegemony. The nit-picking here just screams 'no chemistry' to a point where it sounds hopeless. He sounds like he would be a good guy to pal around with, so maybe think about floating a 'let's be friends' backed up with actual plans to do something together. Maybe he'll grow on you?
But it would be one thing if you were just uncertain as to whether or not he was a suitable suitor. As is, you have been kissed and flattered and there are no butterflies at all; it doesn't sound like you'll want to jump his bones anytime soon. So is this guy too nice or too forward? He can't win- because you don't like him.
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So, instead of analyzing his "slips" and whether it's okay for you to have a problem with them, just move on. But what if the kind of traits that give me butterflies are unhealthy?
Original post by AppleB Girls: For interested parties, the OP's made a metatalk post regarding this question. There's a tendency to call women weak or antifeminist for seeking out relationships that jibe with their natural personalities. I link to two other threads in my comment, and check those whole threads out, too, especially the one from the guy who likes "sassy ladies. There's a huge difference. There are acres of middle ground there. Clearly, you are not one of them.
If you're not in a position where you're really into him, then don't date him. He deserves someone who is really into him. And you deserve someone you're really into. I don't see how this case will give you evidence?
Find someone who gives you butterflies, ruminate. Even the healthiest sometimes just don't like people. Yeah, don't make this dude a "learn how to get butterflies from the nice ones" test case. If you're not feeling him, please stop seeing him -- if I were him and read this wall of text about how someone is not very into me, I would be really, really hurt. Feelings shouldn't be coerced to fit a model which is different from the reality. Neither should cost-benefit analysis dictate whether you go on the next the date.
You can do both you and him a favor by allowing you both to be the people that you are. You're not attracted to him and you're trying to force it and it ain't happening. His dynamic is kinda weird, too. When someone cancels a few times in a row, a healthy response would be to push back a bit and say, okay, if you want to see me, let me know, because I'm not going to jump through hoops for someone I've just met. His eagerness to jump through hoops suggests a lack of self-confidence to me and I would be wary of entering into a partnership with someone who is so dismissive of their own needs.
You're picking up on that, undoubtedly. There are lots of people out there who are assertive and self-confident without being assholes.
Just balanced, as you say. Don't settle for less than that.
The bad thing about dating nice guys
I suppose in your shoes I would suggest you try to date lots of people and pay a lot of attention to the signals you get and how they make you feel -- and pay special attention to signals that your partner values both your needs, and their own needs. This one is all about you and denies his own needs.
Cads and assholes are all about themselves and deny your needs. The middle path between these extremes is where healthy relationships lie. People tend to broadcast these qualitise about themselves through their behavior; we tend to receive these signals and then discount them for whatever reason; so the path forward is about being able to perceive things as they are free of distortion. Maybe for whatever reason you feel attraction towards people who are all about themselves and deny your own needs.
A lot of people feel this because they inwardly deny their own needs low self-esteem which produces a drive to recruit people who will externalize these feelings. So if you have unhealthy attraction tendencies here, the solution is to work on yourself, perhaps in therapy, to process why you feel you don't deserve someone solid, and gain a conception of yourself as a person who matters. If this guy was writing an AskMe about how apathetic he felt about dating you, would you want to go out with him again?
I think you should do both of you a favor and find someone with whom you have more chemistry. I don't think the solution to "the kind of guys I usually get excited about turn out to be jerks" is "I will force myself to date someone I'm not into. While I wouldn't say you are "leading this guy on," it doesn't sound like there is much of a future for you as long as you have to keep forcing yourself to hang out with him, and the longer this goes on, the harder the breakup will be.
You don't have to make up your mind right away that's why it's called dating! Go to a museum, take a walk in the park, go for a hike, get ice cream, volunteer somewhere together, play a board game, sign up and run a 5k But doing something without the "social lubricant" may show you a completely different side. Keep you mind open until you feel strongly in either direction, which will happen eventually. Yes, probably some self-reflection on these issues would be good.
But you can break it off with him and still continue to think through your "bad boy attraction" issues to paraphrase. If you're not into him, you're not into him. It's OK, even if you ultimately decide it was for a bad reason. I find it interesting that you feel a need to cling to this one instance of the "right kind of guy" now that you've found one - are you worried you'll never find another non-"asshole" if you let this one go?
If so you may want to think through that, too.