Online dating hypergamy
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Originally appeared at Doctor NerdLove.
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Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove , as well as writing the occasional guest review for Spill.
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This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. I am more curious to understand how ANYONE feels there is another person in the world who cares to deal with zaniness. I fundamentally believe that i am insignificant and worthless. This provides a very negative backdrop for everything i do and is clearly the biggest inihibitor of a healthy sexlife or relationship in my life.
How do i teach myself to be confident? HOW do i flip that switch? Or maybe thats my confirmation bias at work… how do i change my confirmation bias from being fundmanetally negative to being fundamentally positive? People out there are doing their dead-level best to get more guys to approach women at a time where guys have stopped doingit —because it is just NOT worth the effort. Cosmically, we are all insignificant — what matters then is your subject importance…the meaning you choose to give to your own life. You are alive, after all, so what steps are going to take to make that fulfilling?
There are two things men want to avoid: Annoying, Offending, harrassing or threatening the woman they want to approach. As a man, there is enormous difference between approaching a man and approaching a woman. When you approach a man, it is with the intention of forming even for 10 seconds a platonic social relationship. When you approach a woman, it is with the intention of forming in theory a romantic, sexual relationship of some kind. There are waaaaay more qualifications a woman has to meet to make that happen than the platonic relationship you build with a man.
Which means there are also more qualifications you have to meet for her to make the romantic relationship worthwhile. When you approach a woman, it is with the intention of getting to know her. The NUMBER ONE thing the average male is interested in is physical appearance of a female — you cannot be romantically interested in her unless you find her sexually appealing. You can go in and come back out, repeatedly. For example, I realize that I am a very negative person especially when it comes to dating. I know that it affects my dating success or failure.
Well how about deflecting your energies away from women?
If, on the other hand, she needs you to have a family and children which they all want at some point , you dictate the terms. For some reason the hashtags, perhaps I expect this is only the begining, sooooo …. If you're a plain or ugly man, being stoic is your best bet, especially if there are unknown people involved. It has to do with wisdom, proven ability to navigate harsh times, and true earned wisdom in passing her fitness tests, that she isn't even aware of. And Daniel Craig and Will Smith probably have plastic surgeries done to them in any case.
How about learning to cook a diffrent meal each week. How about working in a shealter or being a big brother? How about doing one of those workout programs and doing a video review on YouTube. The author does, in fact, provide advice. Even their order is right. He tells you the problem then gives you a solution.
So the fella got banned from a dating app called 'bumble' for taking excpetion to some hypergamous bitch questionning what he does for a. Much of it thrives on the internet, in the so-called ”manosphere”. Here you will find men But was their decade of dating a strategic mistake?.
Giving specific, yet universally applicable advice that goes beyond the essentials, in this situation is, frankly, impossible. That is why it always is generalized and nearly useless. It is up to you to interpret this information and adapt it to your situation. I think you might be missing my point. But to go back to the example I used before; the alcoholic. Yes, that obvious and I can dig for some deeper meaning as to what that person might mean.
Want to add to the discussion?
There is nothing wrong with the message, but it is the delivery that irks me. So dating is just like training for the Olympics? So in previous articles most notably the dating power one , Nerdlove is talking down to shy, introverted men for not manning up and conquering their approach anxiety. He even says that them not making the approach conveys a lack of confidence and is picked up on by women. Yeah, it would be good to get some clarification.
Maybe this is related to vulnerability game — I think Roissy did a post on that a while ago. So now I have to avoid the shy vulnerable guys, as well as the obvious peacocks, for fear they are all gaming me too? Who the hell am I supposed to date now? Everything is a game when it comes to dating. PUA philosophy exists because shy, thoughtful guys are routine and summarily ignored.
Sure, there is a very small minority of women who will approach and engage with shy guys every woman who posts on this site claims to be this sort of woman but the simple fact of the matter is that shy guys like myself NEED a way to approach women or we will be alone for our entire lives.
Sarah- Get used to the barrage! If a guy does NOT follow the PUA instruction booklet, then he is nice guy doormat, boring and must, therefore, be punished by women. No, no, vulnerability game is something to be done in very small doses.
Peak Hypergamy
That is because she is trying to account for a psychological shortcoming that relates to a greater feeling of innate insecurity created by the difference in age. Whereas on my end, when I was in the dating world, I could never see myself dating a woman older than me at all.
For some women this is created out of their drive to replace what they felt was lacking in their life a father figure , while some it is just that natural biological response — a man of greater age naturally not always means a greater net worth, greater experience and ultimately greater likelihood of being their to provide and create for her. This is just speculation of mine, but it might even be at play in your situation. Also, you were her first boyfriend, and even though a the relationship may have been great, the danger is that the cultural belief is that a person can only find that partner after umpteen dating relationships.
This is because you are figuring out finances, some of the maturation process has been delayed because of new social expectations and a shift in our life timeline as men. Back 60 years ago, you would likely have not even gone to college, would have your career, may have been at war for a few years, and now you were back, with some cash, no debt, ready to date and now you could pop out a kid or two and keep her happy! Not now though, because she is doing everything that the man is doing, going to school, working coffee shop and acting classes. This poses some issues for a man, because not only does he have to prove himself as normal, he has to account for the steps that the woman has already made in society that she would normally not have made even 40 years ago.
This is believed to be created by less natural living practices, increased hormones in food, and even technology and the masculinization of women while men are slipping into a middleground of androgyny. As a result of this, society creates a princess culture for many women that can do no wrong when they develop physically. If you notice, the people most respected in culture are not the rich and attractive men. They are the rich and attractive women. Attractive women will often be placed a rung higher than than the rich man.
Ultimately, unrealistic expectations exist across all levels of dating relationships and they fall on men. The structures that were once in place to ensure that men could do their jobs and provide for families are failing, and there is more unexpectedness lurking around each corner. College is not ensuring employment, cost of living is rising while income and job opportunities are shrinking.
This is not exactly what was illustrated in the story that you outlined brother, but it is where my mind drifted to. I paint this picture, this overarching picture not because I want doom and gloom. So, hopefully this helps provide a little bit of counsel for you. I want to reemphasize that you are not alone here, and likely, this is probably a good thing for you. I know that for me, my two breakups in my early 20s 22 and 23 were some of the biggest blessings. It gave me more time, more clarity, taught me more than I could ever learn in school and it gave me more patience and also made me value money and time more.
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