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To Date or Not to Date

Of course my parents love each other very much and would not choose another spouse, which is why her response caught me off guard. I think she felt that it was important for me to understand the types of challenges in an interfaith marriage. And of course, everyone has a different experience.

After a lot of thought during that relationship with a non-Mormon, I laid out exactly what struggles I was probably going to face: I was worried about my own faith. Is this a sign of my own weakness? I wanted that full support though I am certainly not saying that marrying a Mormon ensures that. This was the biggest one for me. I thought about those deeply spiritual moments I had had in life and how special they were to me. It made me sad to think that the thing that was most important my life — my faith — was something that I could never fully share with my husband.

It was more about my own spirituality and our relationship in our marriage. I want to serve a mission in my old age with my husband. Joanna mentioned that our theology is rich with opportunities for second chances. If you decide to marry this man, you both will find a way to be happy and have a wonderful marriage, not that perfect that we see in the Sundays at Church. And no one has the right to judge you for your decision. My nonmember husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. I dated many LDS guys before him. None felt right, ever. But the idea of marrying my husband felt right from almost the get-go and, my patriarchal blessing made so much more sense!

Interestingly, my parents felt the same way about him.

Useful Tips and Ideas to Keep in Mind When Dating a Mormon

Not every LDS person does, unfortunately. The decisions we have made in how to raise our kids have been our decisions alone. We feel good about our choices, but know it might not be the right path for everyone. An interfaith marriage can be done well or disastrously, or even only being made up as you go. I would never change my decision to marry him.

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Not in endless discussions of temple marriage, not ever. This is right for me and for us. Best wishes to those struggling with these big, life-altering decisions.

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If I had one thing to add, mixed race marriages are quite similar. My experience has been that personal similarities and differences are a bigger element than cultural differences. Additionally, just as corporate cultures exist, so does it exist for every family.

It is amazing how different values and outlooks, interpersonal relationships can be from family to family. At least people of different races are aware of those differences, and are on alert to deal with them. Also, as Joanna points out, men and women already inhabit a separate culture. Rawkcuf, maybe your comment is like your name and intended backwards, but what do you mean by differences between races? The point made was that a parallel can be drawn between interfaith and interracial marriages.

I would say though that racial differences are NOT like religious differences, certainly not those between Mo and Nomo. Racial differences can be very trivial—they really didn't come up much for my parents, for example—and are basically false differences. Religious differences, however are real. Whereas white and black may both sleep in on Sunday and tie their left shoes first, Mos have a set of behavioral norms that are in serious conflict with Nomo lifestyles. True Believer Mos base their actions on a set of priorities that make no sense to Nomos. Mixed races, however, are NOT tied into opposing beliefs and mixed races don't try to "convert" each other.

There may be underlying personality similarities, but if the answer to "what shall I do next" is always trumped by a Morman frame of reference for one partner, but not the other, conflict is inevitable. I think it was Spencer Kimball who counselled that before marriage you should keep your eyes wide open and then after marriage keep your eyes half shut.

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Within a cultural group marriage is hard. When you mix cultural groups you increase the difficulty. Bet as Joanna has said there are some things you should think carefully about — and this needs to be done with your head, not your heart. As Joanne mentioned, should you marry interfaith, you will have lots of help from fellow ward members on converting your spouse. How will your spouse feel about that in 20 years?

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If you remain active, Church service is very demanding of our lives — not a Sunday thing. Is your spouse willing to give you up on Sundays, and half your weeknights? And depending on his views of the Sabbath, you will probably get the tug of war on Sundays. And after years of this struggle, will your love for him and desire to avoid the hassle cause you to reduce your activation? How do you really feel about that? Do you believe in the Gospel as taught by the Church? Do you truly believe in temple marriage as a requirement for Celestial attainment?

If you do believe it fully, are you not really going to want him to make the conversion ultimately?

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Now look at the flip side — if he loves you, and realizes you fully believe, how will he deal with the importance of the temple to you? Willl he build resentment at the struggle to get him to change whether real or imagined? Will he be happy knowing that you are giving up something of incredible importance to you? Will he possible convert just to make you happy without really buying into it? How do you feel about that? Love is what we do, not what we feel.

Affection will come and go based on our attitudes, and will not carry through the rough spots — married in the Church or outside. Full respect and care.

I do wonder if you ask this blog just to get supporting advice? Is your mind made up and you want justifying support? There is no question that God loves all of His children, and that obviously includes non-members.

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It would be ludicrous to think otherwise. But the issue of marrying a non-member raises two fundamental problems: That idea seems so contrary to the nature of God. I think the LDS have been vastly over-simplifying that doctrine. But I do believe in modern prophets and that God gives no commandment that is not for our own happiness. So while I believe that, in fact, non-celestial families still can be together forever, I also think that there must be great merit to qualifying for the whole Enchilada—which I perhaps cannot fully appreciate at this time.