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But one type of relationship, in particular, that can be more challenging than most is one that involves a narcissist. Does your partner continually need to be on a pedestal, seen in the best possible light, and have his or her ego stroked? So, before you get tangled in their deceitful web, see if any of these 10 signs sound familiar. A narcissist is charming in the beginning stages of a relationship. Any true narcissist can charm the pants off just about anyone. And the next step in their process can be just as dangerous: A narcissist will soon shift the spotlight back onto themselves, leaving you in the dust.
A narcissist needs to be in the spotlight. She experienced an intoxicating sense of them as a couple, and in that moment, she felt like she was his everything. On the inside it was just hollow. That is what a relationship with a narcissist is like. Their presence is magnetic and he or she seems larger than life. Yet after a while, you discover that under the surface the relationship is hollow.
Soon, the excitement and status wear thin. This is because a true narcissist lacks inner qualities necessary for a healthy bond: Do you have to wait until your relationship sours to find out?
A narcissist may initially intrigue you with his or her apparent confidence, swagger, or audacity, regaling you with stories about accomplishments, rubbing elbows with influential people, or their innumerable talents and gifts. Because narcissists deeply lack self-esteem, almost everything else in their lives is orchestrated to hide their weaknesses and give them a temporary sense of power and success.
Your flaws seem to be highlighted and your strengths diminished — a careful ruse constructed to ensure the narcissist holds themselves in a more flattering light. Narcissism also is characterized by extreme self-centeredness. For this reason, a conflict with a narcissist is almost certain to end with all the blame being directed to you.
This, combined with the funhouse mirror effect, can make even minor arguments emotionally exhausting. A relationship with a narcissist is unlikely ever to reach greater depths of sharing, emotion, and intimacy. No amount of reassurance seems to make a difference, because narcissists deeply hate and reject their own shameful imperfections. Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and they continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to find your breaking point.
Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is happening or about to happen. Some narcissists show their anxiety by talking constantly about the doom that is about to happen, while some hide and repress their anxiety.
But most narcissists project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones, accusing them of being negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not responding to their needs, or being selfish. All this is designed to transfer anxiety to the loved one in an attempt to not feel it themselves.
As you feel worse and worse, the narcissist feels better and better. In fact he feels stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety and depression grow.
But they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. The narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and feelings.
If someone has declared their undying love for you a few weeks after meeting them, and telling you you're their soul-mate, and they're making you uncomfortable, then the affection probably isn't coming from a good place. Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others, whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good. She acts like the victim. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. A narcissist will soon shift the spotlight back onto themselves, leaving you in the dust.
For example, I had one narcissistic client who was into skydiving and other intense risk-taking behaviors tell me that he never felt fear. Ultimately, however, this makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent. This makes them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible.
They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with them, and make everything just as they want it to be. But they have little ability to respond to your pain or fear or even your day-to-day need for care and sympathy. How will the other person feel? Will this action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship? Want more insight into the relationships in your life? Find out the things you should always be selfish about in your partnerships and the questions that could keep your marriage from ending.
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